#] NOTICE

None of this content is endorsed by Apple, this page is meant for comedic purposes only. Don't sue me mate.

#] Our Reason

" Here at Apple, we are struggling to find new revolutionary ideas. So our new idea is awesome; at first, it seems counter intuitive, and then is. We've made our new products............. worse. We couldn't think of any new ideas, and we are struggling to find another person like Steve Jobs. "

#] Our Moto

In our pursuit of finding the best way to make our products worse, we've developed a wonderful moto, "Now figure that shit out."

#] MacBook

Different charging port for every laptop, so you can't borrow a friend's when you forget yours.
If you ask your friend, your friend will say, "Oh, I have the new MacBook charger, but not the new, new one," or some bullshit like that, "Hey, I think Rachael over there has it," But Rachael has second generation.

And then you realized that we changed the charging port half-way through this list.
We changed the port on this device so many times to screw you over, and because it is super important that this port has 13 pins instead of 7, or some shit like that. You may ask yourself, "Why?".... It’s because FUCK YOU, that’s why.

2020 Update
The MacBook is so similar to the Air model, why innovate why we can just remove the product altogether?
rip macbook

#] 'MacBook' Air

Just air, literally. The name makes sense, perfect sense. So you are just wasting over $500 to get air. There is no charging port. Oh, and you can not buy it from the store, it has to be shipped to you for over $9000. Look inside the box, and you will find Apple branded air, but don’t open up too quickly, because it won’t last nearly is long.

#] iPod

Can't even play music. You know, the thing that changed music, well note you can only listen to 4'33"! Also, it is now a useless 1 bit flash drive, the size of a rock. Now figure that shit out. Oh wait, you can’t, because we think you are too stupid to do anything other than make one last reath before you get consumed in the $1000 price tag that we put on this garbage.

#] iPod 'Nano'

Absolutely massive, really defeats the name and purpose of this product. And why not add a minuscule screen, that has 4 pixels. One that indicates the power status, one that indicates if it is looping, one that indicates if it is shuffling, and the last one indicates the charging status. Just 4 tiny LEDs not even far-sighted people can see.

#] iMac '4k'

By now, you would think that this product will not have a 4K display, but you're wrong. Instead, there are 4 kilobytes of RAM, 4 kilobytes of cache, and only 4 kilobytes of usable storage. The best part is, it runs Minecraft 4K (4 kilobyte edition [Horrible graphics, horrible game play, no survival mode, no hot bar, no good, just random blocks here and there])

#] iPhone

We've removed the most useless feature of the phone, the phone. Not only have removed a redundant feature, but we've also fixed all the bugs and problems that the phone app was responsible for! The battery indicator now actually "works", in which it doesn't, so your device will die at about 30%. Also it is still compatible with the MacBook, unless we change the charging port, again.
Oh, and we absolutely fucking will.

#] iOS

We at apple have created our own version of multitasking. You know that blue phone, that Samsung Galaxy S3? Yeah, that one. The latest firmware it supports is Android KitKat 4.4.2, which is about 3 years old. And that small little device, can somehow do true multitasking, while our newest iPads, (not iPad pro) can't even do it. Yup, older androids are more powerful than our newest iPads.

#] iPadOS

So, we've released a version of iOS called iPadOS, which we claim can do actual multitasking, in which you can have up to 2 apps open at the same time. Oh what bullshit we love saying. The Samsung Note Edge can handle 5 apps hovering, and 2 apps side-by-side SIMULTANIOUSLY! Unfortunately, we do not have the processing power of a 5, 6 year old phone in our latest "pro" devices. Dang.
Yes, that 7 simultanious app combo uses a lot of energy and RAM, all of which we have in the iPad Pro, but we are just too damn lazy to have 2 versions of iOS going out to different devices rather than trying to stick with the same 1 iOS many devices thing we've been doing since the beginning.

#] Mac 'Pro'

HAH! Who needs a car when you can buy this and $400 wheels? I know I sure don't...
Tip Pro™ v1: Use the stand as your seat.
Tip Pro™ v2: Use the monitor as your license plate.
totes legit tips btw, use em